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LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY:
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses
"Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the
kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home As
she walked, she would flip
up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a
moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
OLD FRIENDS: Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friendglared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon
do you need to know?"
SENIOR DRIVING:
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
DRIVING:
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through
and the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous at the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that
we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh,
crap, am I driving ?"
GOOD LIVING
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six!" he said.
submitted by laughguy
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